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Anyone who's ever vacationed with a tour group, spending time with a community of strangers
who ostensibly share the same interests, but who are, to be perfectly honest, just not very interesting, will recognize the narrator and ensemble cast of Catherine Mack's new comic thriller, EVERY TIME I GO ON VACATION, SOMEONE DIES. Despite the pretty scenery and lively itinerary, these are the kind of people that you look forward to forgetting, the minute the journey is over.
The title promises more fun than it delivers. Eleanor Dash, author of the best-selling "Vacation Mystery" series, has contracted to accompany a handful of other celebrity authors and their superfans on a tenth anniversary tour of Italy; they are returning to the scene of the original crime, ten years and ten novels after the publication of her first book When In Rome. The fans are excited to tour the locations of that novel, getting "exclusive behind the scenes access to [Eleanor's] process" as she plots the next one.
Eleanor is not plotting a new novel, however, so much as she is plotting a way to kill off her most popular character, a charming, roguish detective named Connor Smith, who is based on a real-life detective, also named Connor Smith. Inexplicably, Eleanor based her character on the flesh and blood Smith without changing his name; he has been extorting a large cut of her royalties ever since. The publishers are aware of this chicanery, but they are happy to keep paying Connor off, at Eleanor's expense; the novelist is trying to figure out a way to get rid of the fictional detective, so that she can invent a new series, with a new protagonist, and keep the profits for herself.
In the meanwhile she is stuck with the real-life Connor, who is, in reality, more annoying than charming: a cheating bastard who bedded Eleanor without mentioning that he was married. The wife (now the ex-wife) is, coincidentally, one of the other authors on the tour, contributing to an implausible cast of characters that also includes Connor's current fling, Connor's former fling (that would be Eleanor's sister/personal assistant, who is the prettier, better-organized, but less successful sibling ) and Eleanor's other ex-lover. These characters are just not entertaining or well-developed enough to make them worth keeping track of. The reader is expected to acknowledge Connor's irresistible charm, despite the fact that he's portrayed as an irritating, dishonest jackass in every single interaction with every single character. No wonder somebody keeps making attempts to kill him; unfortunately there's very little suspense involved in that subplot, because who wouldn't want this guy dead?
The whole joyride is more convoluted than clever, although the narrator seems to find it hilarious. For some reason, the fact that Eleanor never knows where she's going from one day to the next, because she can't be bothered to read the itinerary, is repeated incessantly, as though it were the funniest detail ever. The superfans, or "Bookface Ladies," as they call themselves, are a missed opportunity: dressed in wacky, tacky, matching t-shirts, they are indistinguishable from one another except for one named "Crazy Cathy," who somehow managed to book the tour despite the fact that Eleanor has an order of protection against her. Beyond the name, neither Eleanor the character, nor Catherine Mack, her creator, ever bothers to demonstrate exactly what Cathy does, that is so crazy.
Everyone on the tour is always a little bit drunk: not because the booze makes them do funny things, but apparently to persuade reader that everything is funnier after you've had a few cocktails. A chapter entitled "THE MEDICINAL PROPERTIES OF PEE" is neither as funny as she would have you believe, nor as germane to the plot as one would hope. The same chapter contains a sentence that reads, "I grip the ladder and haul myself up it, happy that Oliver's already in the boat and can't see how inelegant I am as I climb up the ladder." Inelegant, indeed; especially for a story that is supposedly by and about novelists. In the first 140 pages, she uses the word "frisson" three times. In case the reader has any trouble comprehending this kind of prose, or maybe misses one of those punchlines, Dash/Mack reinforces them in a series of annoying, utterly unnecessary footnotes. Please, please take her at her word when she says "the footnotes are optional."
There are flashes of potential here and there. The climactic scene near the end of the tour, in which the real-life murderer is revealed, is genuinely exciting. It's just that it takes such a long time to get there, in the company of so many characters that are either unremarkable, unbelievable, unlikeable, or all of the above. In that scene, the murderer threatens Eleanor's life as well as her literary ability, saying "'all that anyone will remember you for are some books that aren't very good.'"
Her words, not mine. Maybe skip this trip.
§ Mary-Jane Oltarzewski is an Assistant Teaching Professor with the Rutgers University Writing Program. In her spare time she enjoys coffee crawls, listening to jazz and show tunes, and spending time in the Catskills with her husband, and a cat who bears a strong resemblance to the Reviewing the Evidence mascot.
Reviewed by Mary-Jane Oltarzewski, January 2024
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