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There are three things one should try to avoid: 1) an audit by the IRS 2) root canal surgery 3) a tour led by Emily Andrew The first two are self-explanatory, but the third always leads to at least one corpse on the tour. A tour to Italy for published and unpublished romance writers is being sponsored by Hightower Publishing to promote its move into the romance market. Because some of the romance writers and readers have cancelled, Emily's group of hardy -- and quirky -- Iowa senior citizens takes their places. The first stop is Rome. Unfortunately, the hotel burns down with everyone's luggage except Emily's, which had been lost. When Emily's luggage is recovered, her mother gives the other tour members free rein to abscond with Emily's clothes, and a brawl, consistent with fights over china and clothes at Harrods Christmas sale, ensues. The assumption seems to be that every woman on the tour wears the same size as Emily. The premise of the tour is that famed romance writers Marla Michaels and Gillian Jones will share their expertise with aspiring writers, including the gum-chomping Keely Mack, who has won every prize available for first chapters, but who has never completed a novel. After one of the wannabe romance writers falls down the stairs in the hotel in Florence and dies, the publisher -- to distract the guests -- announces a contest, the winner to be announced in three days. He/she will receive a lucrative contract and be assured of publication. More deaths ensue, including a despised agent and a publisher, and Emily comes up with iron-clad cases against the people she suspects of murder -- cases that turn out to be totally wrong. The book's strength is its characters. Emily is amusing in all her self-righteous sureness and in her pining for her Swiss policeman beau, Etienne, whose failure to 'pop the question' is a major source of frustration. The standouts are Emily's ex-husband, who has undergone a sex change and has come on the tour to find out how to do Emily's job; Emily's grandmother, Nana, who is carrying on a hot and heavy affair with one of the other geriatric tour members; and septuagenarian twins, one of whom writes greeting card messages and forever speaks in rhymes. There are a few problems -- one stylistic and a few of facts. There is an overuse of capitals for various special effects. It's rather like being dropped into an episode of the old series Batman. Emily, who is Catholic, refers to indulgences as getting one out of hell. Indulgences simply shorten one's stay in Purgatory. Hell is forever. The late beloved French chef was Julia Child, not Childs. One of the caveats for travelers in southern Europe is to drink water only if it comes in a sealed bottle. One doesn't order lemonade and one especially avoids ice cubes. And one takes one of Emily's tours at the cost of personal peril.
Reviewed by Mary Elizabeth Devine, October 2004
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